Everyone can be green sometimes!

I'm taking train to work today. Like always, the infamous KTM always cancel their train causes the next train to be packed like sardine can. Today, one of the lady being pushed out of the train as it is so packed, she smacked the door, screamed curses and called the train station and curses some more. Sigh... what a scene!

p/s: I have Hulk inside me too sometimes.

'Onus', it's A Big Word

Just Imagine if you did a typo error and change O to A, must be hilarious sentence.

I'm reading some contract today and came across this word - "ONUS", it sounds like 'you-know-what'.

So the definition:

o·nus

   

[oh-nuhs] 

–noun, plural o·nus·es.

1.

a difficult or disagreeable obligation, task, burden, etc.

2.

burden of proof. 

3.

blame or responsibility.

Note: Important word!

Found : Funniest Sign Book

I came across this book when I cleaned the book shelve in my house yesterday. Good stuff.

Do You Want to be A Mermaid or A Whale?

Recently, in a large city in  Australia , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, Do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym. To Whom It May Concern, Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world. Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale. P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

DS SAMY VELLU who will be always remembered

DS Samy Vellu finally and officially resigned from his post of the longest MIC President ever live, after leading the party for almost 31 years. The Malaysian Insiders has its story, here  . Frankly, I will miss him very much especially for all his funny quotes he made all these years. Like what our Prime Minister said in the 2010 Barisan Nasional Conference, “We will miss DS Samy Vellu because he add a lot of color … sometimes a bit too much color”. Therefore, as a token of appreciation, I just wanna share his famous quotes ever made by the one and only, Samy Vellu.

1. Samy Velu quoted on Pos Laju:
"Besoh kirim, hari ini juga sampai"

2. On one TV news when he tried to say he felt very ashamed:
"Ini prekara sangat memalukan saya dan kemaluan saya sangat-sangat la besar"

3. Samy said in one of his “ceramah”:
"Kita akan bina satu jambatan wuntuk worang2 kampong di sini." Then one pakcik asked, "Datuk, sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan?" And Samy gloriously replied, "Kalao takde sungai, kita bina sungai"

4. Samy's most favourite quote on the news for the decade is this:
"Toll naik sikit, banyak marah saya. You worang ingat semua ini toll saya punyer bapah punya kah!”

5. During water crisis:
"Semua worang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr!"

6. On social society's problem:
"Worang2 muda sekarang banyak suka hisap dade"

7. During blood donation's program at Sungai Siput:
"Marilah kita semua menderma dare"

8. His welcome speech in most of his functions:
"Selamat datang saudara-mara semua" (It should have been “saudara-saudari”)

9. During the height of the Al-Arqam's saga, he said in a press conference:
"Saya gumbira bahawa didapati tiada pemuda MIC terlibat dalam kes Arqam"

10. At an opening ceremony for a new building:
"Mempersilakan Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz naik dari pentas wuntuk membuka kain"

And of course the world's greatest joke of all times:

"Kita akan bina roket pigi matahari." One of the reporter responded, "Tapi Datuk, matahari terlalu panas untuk didekati." Samy replied, "Itu tade masalah. Kita hantar waktu malam"

There you are folks. For DS Samy Vellu, we wish you all the best!    

Typical Malaysians

Cutting lanes when we're driving.  Mouthing off at other drivers.  Burping durian breath. Keeping our handphones on at the movies and worse, talking really loudly on it.  There's a lot to gripe about when we talk about Malaysians and their bad habits but there's much to make us smile.  Packing a bottle of sambal belacan or bring along some cup noodles every time we go overseas, because foreign fare is unbearably bland.  Recognizing a fellow Malaysian far away from home when we can hear sentences finishing with a "lah".  Bickering among ourselves but sticking up for each other when outsiders criticize us.  Best of all, laughing at ourselves.  In this land where we've lived freely for 53 years, we can all celebrate our Malaysian-ness, because deep down inside, we're all the same.

Saturday's Joke

NO. 1   

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep.  The next day, their driver died of poisoning.   

NO.2   

A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why?  He answered so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.   

NO.3   

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said, sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.  

Joke of the DAY - Do you smoke?

Joke of the DAY - Do you smoke?

Once a Smoker was smoking at the Gandhi International airport.........

A gentleman came & asked him, “How much do you smoke a day?”

Smoker: “Why are you asking such question?”

Gentleman replied: “If you had saved that money instead of smoking, the plane which is in front of you, would have been yours.”

Smoker then asked that gentleman: “Do you smoke?”

Gentleman: “No”.

Smoker asked: “Does that plane belong to you?”

Gentleman replied: “No.”

Smoker: “Thanks for your kind advice, but that plane is mine.”

[Smoker's Name-Vijay Mallya]. < owns Kingfisher airlines (India's Budget Airline)

Moral of the Story:- Unnecessary advice is injurious to health

Now I don't advise friends not to smoke, as I am also a smoker myself.

As a smoker I didn’t own an aeroplane, and before this as a non smoker I also did not own a plane.

Do whatever you like - Moderation is the word.

Zen Teachings

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you fart. 

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 

7.  Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

8..  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

12. Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree. 

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse. 

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in

The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back

After 6 hours and then analyze

The situation

If they are counting the bricks,

Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them,

Put them in Auditing

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,

Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,

Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other,

Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping,

Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces,

Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle,

Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved,

Put them in Sales.  

If they have already left for the day,

Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window,

Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,

Congratulate them and put them In Top management

Whoever can answer these definitely not a dumb

1. What has 4 wheels and flies?

2. Did you hear about the man that lost all his left side?

3. What get wet the more you dry?

4.What did the sea say to the sand?

5. What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor has it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you will die, what is it? 

6. Why was Cinderella kicked off from the cricket game?

7. What do you call a man with 3 balls?

8. If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?

9. Why a girrafe's neck is so long?

10. Last but not least, what is the height of stupidity?

POEMS BETWEEN HUSBAND & WIFE

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.


WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

BUILDING CAN GET PREGNANT meh?

Received drawing from consultant, written there "THE MAIN BUILDING CONTRACTION", where its supposed to be "THE MAIN BUILDING CONTRACTOR", thats why lots of building in Malaysia a bit shaky, because of the CONTRACTION.....:)

Kid Say the Darndest Things

sure have big boobs

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,'answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT???' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minuteslater..... 'Daad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later; 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to spank me,can you bring a drink of water?'.

3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice; 'The big sissy.'

4. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said; 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

5. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Argentina Adiós

Argentina team was just an emotional wreck this year. Played with enormous individual skills. Backed by "Uncle Maradonna's" big heart, they climax too fast and just couldn't re-organize themselves for the meticulous soccer of the Germans.

But then again, it goes the same with the others like Brazil and France. It just the unbelievable truth that we have to take for FIFA this year. Sigh....

I couldn't take it!!!

No tío más baile (no more dancing,uncle!)

Careless Whisper (Poootttt)

what is this smell?!!!?

Train from KL Central to Subang Jaya this evening was really crowded, i was shoved inside by some mindless guy and we are so crammed i cant even move my nose! I find it so difficult to breathe because the girl in front of me standing so close and every time i inhaled, her hair drew in my mouth! As i trying hard to move my hand so i can take out all hairs in my mouth, suddenly the Big Hair Girl shouted, "what the f***!, who dare farting at this time?!!!? ", and the minute after, the smells start spreading. I am green! It smells like rotten eggs mixed with dead fish. And since I cant move my hand, now I have to inhaled the smells and the hair altogether! What a day...